The Five Love Languages - Which Do You Use to Communicate With Your Mate?

With The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman has unlocked the secrets to healthy marriage.

Not that the secrets are complicated. A marriage is, after all, a relationship. And relationships are only possible via communication. What's more, the health of a relationship is directly proportional to the quality and nature of the communication that is taking place.

Of course, when we communicate, we tend to think in terms of intent. What do we mean to say and show? But what we mean to say (or show) isn't always how our message is received. Effective communicators understand that it's the audience that matters. Thus, an effective communicator will strive to communicate in a way that the audience best appreciates.

This is the premise behind The Five Love Languages, in which Chapman demystifies the relationship dynamic of communication by looking at how messages are sent and received.

Based on his 30 years experience in marriage counseling, Chapman categorizes five basic wavelengths (what he calls "languages") that exist in relationships. What are these languages? According to Chapman, they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Depending on maturity, background, personality, and other factors, each person prefers or connects with a certain "language."

To use myself as an example, I am definitely someone who appreciates "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch." If my wife walks up behind me and rubs my shoulders, that means the world to me. If she smiles and compliments me, I feel like I'm on Cloud Nine.

But it took me YEARS to realize that my wife is different. And I would try to constantly communicate with her -- based on MY "love languages" - not hers. In reading through Chapman's The Five Love Languages, I realized my mistake. When I communicate with my wife through HER "love languages" ("Quality Time" and "Acts of Service"), I see the difference. I'm connecting.

I highly recommend Gary Chapman's book. It's well worth your time.

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Rev. Brian Tubbs is the author and course manager for ChristianMarriageHelper.com and the Feature Columnist-Editor for Protestantism at Suite101.com. He is also a pastor who lives with his wife and children in southwestern Ohio.